Housewife Tuesday – Anything Nice…

Mary Panza

I have never been on the receiving end of jealously before. It feels like shit. I want to start out by saying if I have ever made anyone of you feel like shit, I am sorry.

With that said, what the fuck? I am really happy. My girl is happy and healthy. My bills are paid. The dog is crazy. Oh, and I am seeing 3b. I am crazy about him. He is kind, funny and we get along very well. Let me preface my rant with this: I am always careful about women. I try to pick my female friends carefully. Why? Sometimes, you just don’t know. Let me also say that Capri did not say this. Nor did Annie or Hot Pants or any of the girls that are close to me. I have recently received the most left handed compliment of my life. Without going into too much detail, here it is: If he could do that to her, imagine what could be done to you. Let me translate that into English. If a man could do that to a hot girl, imagine what he would do to you, because you are a short, fat, ugly, PAJANCHO wearing, single mother with a foul mouth and a bad reputation. I would love to tell you that I took it in stride and rose above the teenage mean girl nonsense and just went about my business. I did not.

I mean, God, I’m pretty. I don’t cringe at my refection when I’m wearing makeup. I’m not being chased down my street with angry villagers and pitch forks. I’m not thin. I’m the first one to tell you it is too much fucking work and gets in the way of TV. Cupcakes taste good. Butter is my friend. Fuck you. I love to eat. I’m Italian and if you don’t like it, go jogging. I’m cool. I’m not making fun of you and your boney ass or anyone’s ass for that matter. I’m too busy eating and watching TV. I just got ice cream on the computer as I am writing this. Short, well I can’t help being short. I tried to wear wedges last week and it scared 3b. By now, he has seen me walk across a room and trip over my own feet, actually, just my big toe. Sometimes I stand still and lose my balance for no reason. Always have. That is why I am a fan of the flats. Short or not, it is just safer for all involved. I’m not wearing a PAJANCHO. You all know how I feel about them. Single mother, you got that fucking right. Proud of it. Foul mouth, blame the mean streets of South Troy or go fuck

Let’s see, what didn’t I address? Oh yeah, bad reputation. You are right. I have a really bad reputation. Some of it came from bad decisions. I own it. God forgive me, but I have done some really mean, nasty shit in my day. Absolutely. Down and dirty. Here is the thing, so have you. I can’t hide behind excuses. I have hurt both the innocent and the guilty. And again, so have you. Bullshit is the great equalizer. We all have it. I have spent the last few years of my life dealing with all of those things that I have done that made me less than nice. I’m not saying I want to be loved. I’m trying to be better for the sake of my daughter. That she may never cause or be victim of a left handed compliment from someone that supposedly was her friend.

I know some of you are saying that if I am so happy, why does it bother you? I will tell you why, because it does. My ego is bruised. I’m pretty damn it. I have many charming and likable qualities. Just ask me. Damn. I feel like I’m in fourth grade again. I thought it then and I think it now: Some girls suck. Sometimes I suck. I suck less that before. I’m trying. I hope you are too.

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