Wave of Grief
I can feel it coming
The tide pulls me out deeper as I struggle to stay afloat
I know I have to give in and ride the wave but my instincts tell me to fight
Get away
Do not let the intensity rush into every crevice of my heart
It takes me under anyway
I hope someday I can learn to surf
Grief Paradox
My mind and heart are in a tug of war
My heart is holding onto my love and the memories
My mind is telling me to start climbing the ladder out of the dark depths of despair
This is a place that is very unfamiliar to me
The enlightened part of my mind is quick and natural
It finds the cracks of sunshine in the darkness
I think I can hold the hurt, love and hope all at once
I Dream of Rikki
I close my eyes and suddenly I see yours staring back at me with such intensity that it feels like the first time— but it’s also reminiscent of home. The look you give me is one of longing, but also full of sweet approval. Your smile lets me know that you want what we both can’t have. How after so many looks can you still make my heart stop in its place? How does time suspend for a love that has seen so much? My heart and breath race for that expression that is so familiar yet feels so distant behind closed eyes. A light sparks my awareness and the vision fades but the feeling lingers. It pushes me forward until we can meet again but only in the darkness, in the depths of my mind.
Vanessa Adair is a school psychologist from Bethlehem, NY. She is a young widow that recently lost her husband and the dad to her two children, ages 1 & 4. Vanessa attended The College of Saint Rose and met her late husband Rikki in downtown Albany after Lark Fest while in her early 20s. They lived life to the fullest together and created a legacy to be proud of. Creating new memories, journaling, poetry, writing, art, and music have all been helping her cope immensely. She hopes to keep Rikki’s memory alive while also assisting others going through a loss in their lives.
My beautiful bonus sister…your thoughtful words will help so many, as you continue to heal yourself. I am beyond proud of your strength and determination to grow through the great loss. What a beautiful tribute to Rikki. Love you so much.
What a beautifully accurate to express grief. More specifically your own experiences trying to ride the tide of the emotions surrounding love and loss. Thank you for sharing.
Vanessa, you continue to amaze us all with your strength! I absolutely love your of grief poem. You are learning to surf and watching you do so makes us all so proud of your strength and resilience. You are never alone in this ocean. Until then, “Just keep swimming”, no matter how tiresome you become. Love you, dear talented friend
I once was told that grief comes in many forms. However, those that experience grief must have truly loved because grief is also love. Both grief and love can exist together, side by side, because after all you wouldn’t be grieving if you didn’t love him first.
Each of these were truly beautiful to read. With every good day may come one that isn’t as great – give yourself grace and experience all the emotions along the way. xo
Beautiful. These words help all of us. You are amazing!
Vanessa, your two poems about grief are beautifully written, and a tribute to your late husband. My cherished grandson died at the age of only 23 from sudden cardiac arrest and there is no word for the enormity of his loss. The only description I have found to be true are the three well-worn words, how to “bear the unbearable.” We know that the person we loved would not have wanted us to suffer intensely all our lives – just as we would want if we were the ones who died – but, true as this is, it’s not so easy or even comforting to tell ourselves that. My heart goes out to you. Depend on your strong and brave core.
Thank you for your kind comments. I am so sorry for your loss and the suffering your family has endured. Connecting with others that can relate and understand the sentiments of my poems brings me comfort.