To say I have a big mouth is an understatement. With that said, this is how I ruined porn night:
3b went out of town for a reunion. I had things to do and people to see. We went back and forth texting the usual “I can’t wait to see you”, “You will be walking with limp when I’m done with you” kind of stuff. Many of our conversations have revolved around what he could or couldn’t do with his other girlfriend’s. One of which was watching porn. Now let me say this; I don’t care what ANYONE does for a living. As long you are not hurting old people, children or animals and are doing your job willingly, have fucking at it.
So we get to our reunion and I surprise him with “Honey if you want porn, let’s have porn.” Best night ever. So we get it all ready and for nostalgia sake he finds some porn with older actresses. No problem. I really do live to keep him happy. So sexy time is about to begin when I crinkle my face.
3b: “Is this too much for you?”
Me: “No, it is poorly lit. I can see her facelift scar. Whose directing this? And not for nothing, would it kill her to do some ab crunches? Zumba? Something. She is being filmed.”
Nothing worse than someone who, in the last three years, has ONLY(with the exception of all Disney Pixar movies) watched movies at the the Spectrum critique a porn. There is no plot. No pizza guy, no plumber, no pillow fight, no nothing. Just a couple of rode hard and put away wet old people doing it. Not for nothing, when did watching grandma get rammed in the ass become sexy. And yes, I am aware of my age and weight but you can bet your balls that if I was going to be filmed I’d break out the Atkins for life diet book and free weights.
The next morning I ask 3b if porn night was a success. Crickets. I ask him if I did something wrong. Being the sainted boy that he is he replies, “No. It was nice.” Whoa. I ask him if I talked too much. Silence. Crap, I think to myself. Then my brain takes a turn. No, if you are going to do something, do it well. Anyone can fake an orgasm. If you are going to do it for a living you can go one of two ways: make it believable or make it funny. That’s right porn industry. Impress me. Make it art or make it comedy. That’s how I like my men and if given a choice I’d take a comedian any day.
So there.
