Housewife Tuesday: Days of Wine and Procedures

The truth of the matter is that Capri is the best. She has put up with the emotional roller coaster that has been my life for a good 40 or so years. I have also, put up with her. She is easy, except when she eats on the phone. She chews with reckless abandon. I have to give her props for our latest adventure.

I have been having some minor, health issues. I had to have a non-serious procedure done and because of the drugs involved, I would need a ride. Normally MS Jr. would come with me but with the population explosion in my family, she was babysitting. 3b had to work so the only logical person to help me was Capri. She was more than willing.

My procedure was on a Tuesday, so the Saturday before, me, my girl, Capri, and our THS 86 gang do what we do: go to a food fest. Our THS 86 gang is up for anything, anytime. We went to the Festa in Schenectady on North Jay Street. It was amazing. We pretty much covered all the bases from savory to sweet and then went out to dinner where we ate some more. Even the one girl in the crew who is really thin and healthy, ate like she was going to jail. We were all very proud. The best comment of the day was my girl when she stated that she has never eaten so much in her life, and then wanted dessert. She is one of us.

Mary Panza Medical procedure[su_pullquote]…she begins a group text consisting of THS 86. Then she tells me to smile. I don’t. I do flip her off. I ask her who is she texting and she says the gang. I ask her why and she says because people are concerned. [/su_pullquote]The day of the procedure, Capri picks me up and off we go. We get to admissions and get checked in and there we wait. The place was backed up and we ended up sitting for an hour before getting called. Mind you, I haven’t eaten or had coffee. Capri left her house so early that she didn’t have coffee either. You don’t want a decaf Capri. Trust me on this. I insist she make herself a cup of coffee. After arguing how she didn’t want to be rude to me by having a cup of coffee, I beg her to have one. Finally, she does and I calm down. We get called in and I have to put the gown on and these lovely yellow hospital socks. I hate the color yellow. I get them on and we wait and wait. Finally, a nurse comes in and puts in the IV. She wasn’t accurate or gentle. I scream OW, OW OW and Capri stands up and asks the nurse why she is hurting me. Here we go. I tell her to sit down and Capri gives this lady the stink eye as only she can. The lady leaves and Capri starts a rant. Finally, my Dr comes in and apologizes for the wait and he will get to me soon. Out of the blue, he and Capri start talking about traffic. How bad it was. Where does he live? She finds out he lives near her and they begin to talk about restaurants. Capri can talk to anyone. She claims to hate small talk but is really good at it. He leaves and she begins a group text consisting of THS 86. Then she tells me to smile. I don’t. I do flip her off. I ask her who is she texting and she says the gang. I ask her why and she says because people are concerned. I believe Capri was bored and really just wanted a photo of me in the yellow hospital socks. More time passes and Capri is pissed.

Capri: What is happening? You must be starving? This is unacceptable. Did you just turn the TV on while I’m talking and since when are you so patient?

Me: Just for background. I am patient because I am not taking this personally and I don’t want to piss the Dr off.  You sound hungry. Why don’t you go to your moms and I will have them call you when it is over.

Capri: Oh hells no. I’m ride or die. Oops. You know what I mean.

Me: Seriously, go to your mother’s. Let her make you lunch and run her errands. Because if you are this chatty during Young and the Restless, I will kill you.

Capri finally agrees to go. She goes to the desk to give her number to the lady and then comes back to my area. Only she walks past my area while talking to me, to the next persons area. I just roll my eyes. At this point, I am just dreaming about the massive latte I am going to get when this is over. She leaves and 10 minutes later (as Y&R comes on) I am being wheeled away. An hour later I am awake, and getting ready to go.

Oh, is that your mother?Because of the drugs involved, I have to have a wheelchair to the front where Capri is waiting for me. I didn’t mention that she did ask if I was going to have to be wheeled out after. She thought that is was hilarious and vowed to get a photo. As I am being wheeled out the lady pushing the wheelchair sees Capri waiting in the car, fumbling with her phone, trying to get a photo of me. I tell the lady that she is my ride and the lady says the best thing possible:

Wheelchair Lady: Oh, is that your mother?

Capri hears as she is snapping this photo of me laughing with pure joy and delight. I get in the car and Capri tell me that woman is a biatch and only said that to make me feel better. I continue to laugh all the way back to my house while sipping my huge latte.