I will begin by telling you that the story I am about to tell is the truth. I swear this on my mother’s good eye and upon all that is Holy.
With that said, I am a huge Seinfeld fan. I always have been.
Anyways, I have mentioned my two wonderful blonde friends before. I will call the more sparkly of the two Grace and the smoldering one Blaze. So we go to one of my favorite spots, Lark and Lily Wine Bar & Kitchen for some small plates and cocktails. Grace and I drive in together and almost immediately begin drinking. She got her glass of wine and I got the special cocktail. It went down easy which is never good sign. So we see Blaze outside and she is on the phone. No worries as she has a job that I won’t go into detail about and no she is not stripper (although she could be). So we hear the server tell the table next to us that it would be a good idea to put a food order in because the kitchen is about to get slammed. Grace and I take her overheard advice and order pretty much the entire small plate page. So, Blaze comes in and in and states that she is having a rough time and before we ask her anything, she will need a cocktail and a few minutes to decompress. She gets her first cocktail, I get my second. We suck those down and begin the chit chat. So the subject comes up that a guy that Blaze was seeing went from a nice guy that she has known for a long time to a fucking asshole. That is a big leap for Blaze as she is pretty diplomatic and reasonable about things. Grace and I look at each other with a glimmer in our eyes because we know what ever this guy did will be worthy of our wrath.
Grace: So what happened?
Blaze: Ok, I tell him that I am having a shitty time at work and the week I have had was really rough. He asks me if I want to come up (he lives north of Albany) and have a drink with him. It sounded good and I told him point blank that I wouldn’t be staying over. I had a project due and I wanted to sleep in my own bed. He says fine. So I go up and we have a drink and a snack and as we are going to go back to his apartment to get my car he gets a call from his friend’s wife. She was followed home and had to call the cops. Well, we get there and wait with her for the police to come and take a report. Now mind you, I have had a shitty week. I am tired, I want to go home and I have never met this woman. I have known him professionally for years but never knew him outside of a work setting. So he says on the way back from this woman’s house that I probably will never call him again after this fiasco. I just laugh. He says that I must think he and his friends are crazy and I am like, Oh no, shit happens. So we get back to his place and he asks me if I am sure I don’t want to come in. I tell him I need to come in to use the bathroom and THAT IS IT!!!! He is very understanding. So I come out of the bathroom and he is on the couch and asks me to come here for a minute. I go over and we start to kiss. As we are kissing I notice that his cock is out. I tell him no I am leaving and he starts the whole “Oh, you can stay. What’s your hurry?” So now I am pissed off. He took his cock out while I was in the bathroom and expected me to God only knows what?
Grace: Wait. What? Was he expecting a blowjob?
Me: Or a handie? Wow. He took his penis out after he knew you had a bad week, were tired and definitely not staying. Not to mention the drama with a person you didn’t even know. He sounds classy.
Blaze: I don’t know what the fuck he was expecting. It is not like he had the bad week and I offered to take his cock out for him. I WAS HAVING THE BAD WEEK!!! I told him at least four times that I needed to be home. Fucking unreal. Like that was going to turn me on sooo much that I would change my no to a yes.
By this time I can see the hamster spinning in the wheel of Grace’s head. She loves to analyze everything and get to the bottom of things. She lives for it and I love her for it.
Grace: Ok. He is a sexual deviant. Is this a move? He is in his forties and takes it out and wants I don’t know what from you?
Me: It was a daring move. I don’t know that he is a deviant as much as he is immature and I am guessing that this move worked once and it is his go to. Either that or his cock needed air. It has been oppressively hot.
Grace: You are an asshole.
Me: That may be true but I will say that you two have more self esteem than I ever did. Before I got old, and stopped caring, I probably would have been flattered. Like, oh look he got hard by just my good looks and charm and he couldn’t contain himself and had to show me how hot I got him. Remember, I am that much older that you two. In the 1990s that would have been considered flirting. We banged everything; sometimes even twice. I wouldn’t have gone the pervert route right away.
Grace: Oh for Christ sake! He has a deviant problem. He is messed up in the head.
Me: Well of course he is she (Blaze) is clearly a lady. She is not going for that. Again, it is a matter of self esteem. He wasn’t playing to his audience.
Grace and I argued through the main course and my third cocktail and her second Pinot Grigio. At one point, probably before her third and my forth, we call our beautiful blue eyed server over and ran it by her. We told her the scenario and after a big loud, OH HELL NO! She agreed with Grace that he was a sexual deviant. I let her think that she won. I feel he was just a raging asshole. I don’t need to delve into his psyche but I love it when Grace does.
Blaze, my beautiful friend, you deserve so much better so I am offering my services of playing the role of miserable Old Italian Aunt. Let me ask the embarrassing questions, arrange the dates and be the one that makes them keep “it” in their pants.