Housewife Tuesday – Bullets

I am PMSing like a mother fucker. I have been dropping things, flaking out, horned up and wanting to punch a hipster with a hat and wool sweater while eating ice cream. Okay, I have been eating ice cream while listening to my sister tell me that the tumor she had was estrogen based and estrogen is stored in fat and I need to get a handle on my weight. I was eating ice cream while she was lecturing me. I hate lectures. So to spare you long and dragged out rantings, I will express my hormones with brief yet meaningless bullet points:

• Halloween is the day my mother died. I would love nothing more than to climb into bed and pull the covers over my head until Nov 1. I don’t get that luxury. I have a child that I have to buck up for and go fucking trick or treating. Thankfully I have really great friends to go with and we usually get drunk and sneak the children’s candy. My girl was extra annoying this year as she was acting like a greedy pig dog because she got a shit ton of candy, but no gum. My head nearly exploded. I hate being a grown-up. I would like to thank the three blondes that helped me through the night, Red Front cob pie, and that friggin punch we all drank before hitting the candy.

• I had to go to traffic court in Podunk NY. Google Maps kept telling that my destination was on the right, but all that was on the right was a garage, laundromat, and trailer. Court was in the building that I thought was a garage. I was frisked by Floyd the Barber. The county clerk and judge were either married or brother and sister. I would have to see their children to make an informed guess. The judge’s chambers doubled as a storage room and where the ADA made the deals. I was “lucky” number seven to be called in to make a deal. The ADA told me not to sit down that I was going to be reduced to parking on grass (something I probably would do) and to have a nice day. It cost me $125.00 and quarter tank of gas. Thankfully there were no points.

• My girl has been driving me nuts with losing the fucking charger to her iPad. She leaves it everywhere and when we get home she blames me for not reminding her. I have been trying to hold it together, but I am sure the next loud moan she makes, I may scream so loud that I pee. It has happened before. I am trying to stay calm. I don’t feel like doing laundry.

• My beast dog keeps putting her paw in her water bowl and then tracking that wet paw print all around my house. I just yelled this to her: “TAKE YOUR GOD DAMNED PAW OUT OF THAT WATER BOWL. YOU ARE NOT GOING TO DROWN IN YOUR FUCKING WATER BOWL!!!” She is a dog and I am a lunatic.

• I went to Walmart on Tuesday to buy a leaf blower. I was so excited about the leaf blower that I left a bag of groceries in the store. I am famous for this, but was blinded with pride that I don’t have to pay someone for fall clean up. This was one of the best purchases I have made. I spent all day using the vacuum mode on the machine and yelling at the dog for attacking me while I was trying to clean up leaves, bones, and her poo. I would like to think she was protecting me, but she was pretty pissed about the whole bone thing. I am beginning to think I have too much estrogen in my house

• I was invited to submit poems to a publication. I had my suspicions that inviting me to submit my poems was just a courtesy as they really just wanted another poet to submit too. I was asked by default. Not surprisingly, I was rejected and that other poet was accepted. I will say to this publication the same thing I say to all the publications that have rejected me in the last almost 30 years, “MOTHER FUCK YOU, YOU MOTHER FUCKERS!!! YOU WILL RUE THE DAY YOU REJECTED MY WORK!” I know this means nothing to anyone expect me, but I like saying this loudly with both fists in the air while picturing me in a black dress and red shoes dancing on the editorial board’s graves. Perhaps over the top but it helps me cope.

So there it is in bullet form. I checked the calendar and I have about four more days to go before my anger settles down. Right now I am going to go grill some red meat, have some wine and jump on 3b. Here’s to better days.