Housewife Tuesday – Shop Girl

I have one day off a week. Tuesday is my day to shop, see my shrink, errands, hair, lunch with girlfriends/sister, and most of all house cleaning. On some Tuesdays I end up doing all of this. This past Tuesday was supposed to be different. My boss was treating me to a reflexology appointment and then we were going to lunch. When the reflexologies cancelled I was disappointed but boss and I decided to reschedule. She wanted to wash her windows (she is part Italian and that kind of shit bothers us. Windows are a big thing with us) and I was going to do some errands.

Monday I had cleaned out my clothes closet. I have too much stuff I don’t wear and probably won’t fit into again. I have accepted it and decided (on a recommendation from a friend, Pixie, also Italian) to take my clothes up to this place that gives you cash for your gently used things. What the hell, I thought; maybe I will make coffee money. I get $37.50 and get half the clothes off my hands. It is a win. Tuesday rolls around and I arrive home and try to get an old lawn mower in the back of my car and take it to see if I can get it repaired. I can’t lift it so I call Annie Oakley’s finance and see if he can help me. He was running in the neighborhood and comes right over. Upon inspection of the mower he tells me to chuck it and go get a new one. He tells me what model to get and where to go. I hate outside and have never mowed a lawn in my life. The Dark Prince (my father) always did the yard and I was fine with that. Then I lived in a Center Square apartment for 13 years, then I got with my girl’s dad and he did all of it. For the past three and a half years, I have been paying top dollar for someone to clean and mow my yard. I decided to keep my hard earned cash and get a lawn mower and mow myself. I pretty much know that 3b will end up doing it as I am afraid of gasoline. I keep thinking about that scene in the movie, “The Birds”, where that man sets himself on fire. I think about it every time I pump gas. Anyways, I call another friend of mine who works at Home Depot. She gets me the mower, and all the other stuff I need. I tell her my fear of gasoline and she tells me that unless I am smoking a cigarette while pumping the gas and taking a cell phone call during a bird attack, I should be fine.

Okay, so we are loading the lawn mower into my car and I realize I have the rest of the clothes in my car. I think to myself, I should go to that consignment shop in Delmar, near work that everyone raves about. So I go. Here’s the thing, I had these clothes in a laundry basket. My hair was pulled back and I had no make-up on. Remember I was dressed for a day off/bodywork/lunch with boss. So I can’t find a place to park so I just park in front of this ladies shop. I go in and two undernourished old ladies are yip yapping at the counter. Both have designer handbags, gold jewelry and a brand new Escalade outside parked properly. They look at me like with surprise and confusion. They think I am homeless. That is the look I got, either that or I had a laundry basket full of shit. Fucking great, goes through my mind. They finally shut up and I get to the counter

Me: Hi. I was wondering if I could put some things on consignment.

I will call the owner, or the clerk or whatever part of the devil’s ass she crawled out of, Bitch. Bitch looks at me like I am insane for bothering her and mind you, NO ONE ELSE IS IN THE STORE!!!!!!

Bitch: Ummm, you need an appointment for consignment. Most of the better consignment shops are run that way. I am only looking for spring and summer things. I won’t be taking any of yours. Go to the shop behind the Plaza. She’ll give you cash on the spot.

Me: Wow. Thank you for your kindness. I will do just that and never bother you again.

What I was thinking as I was leaving was this: PARDON THE FUCK OUTTA ME. I DIDN’T KNOW THE RULES FOR THE HIGH STAKES, CANCER CURING, SIGHT GIVING, SHAKEN NOT STIRRED WORLD OF CONSIGNMENT. You are selling USED clothes. Perhaps they have been gently used but someone else’s vagina/ tits/ ass and arm pits were in these clothes. Not for nothing, since when is the Gap high end resale? I may be dumb but come on, Honey. Really??? Really??? She is lucky I am a lady.

Okay. I did yell “Uppity Bitch” as I walked out…with my laundry basket. I was livid and as I got into my car I was reminded of a line from one of my all time favorite shows, Absolutely Fabulous. The line is said to a sales girl by my hero Edwina Monsoon.

Eds: You’re just a clerk in a shop you can drop the attitude.

Honestly. No one is around to try to impress by being rude. I AM THE ONLY PERSON IN THE STORE. It was all I could do to not tell this rich, nothing to do all day, spoiled, useless waste of humanity with bad skin and too much makeup owner/clerk to go fuck yourself and die. It is a testament to my meds I only called her a bitch and an uppity one at that. So I take my pathetic laundry basket and go to the shop she so graciously told me about and as I walk it is see the two underfed old ladies rummaging through yet more crap. One of them asked me if I was having a good day and the other one began to laugh. I tell them both that the lady that owned the last shop we were all was a bitch and I only had time for one bitch a day. They looked scared and scurry off like roaches. The young woman behind the counter was really nice. She took some of the clothes and gave me six dollars which covered the cost of me vacuuming my car and getting an iced tea. Not only did this girl take my clothes but the ones she didn’t want she folded as we were talking. She gave me business cards to hand out and I gave her some of mine. My afternoon ended on a good note.

I have to say that I try to watch my tone to people as I know how I sound sometimes. I hope that if I have learned anything in this life it that being nice is better than being right. It takes less energy. I would hope that no matter how bad my day is that I would not make anyone feel as bad as I do. It is not so much wisdom as it is I have lots to do on my one day off.