Mary Panza

Housewife Tuesday – When Vaginas Attack

Mary Panza

Vagina Denta, in Latin means vagina with teeth. Mine is not quite there yet, but after the two weeks I have had, nothing would surprise me.

First my car gets hit. Amazingly enough, I was not at fault. Nope, not even in the car. Ironically enough I was hit (and almost run) by an insurance agent. Thankfully, a good citizen saw her do it and made her leave a note which he brought to me. Then she tries to con me. I won’t go into details. I will put it to you this way; I was raised by a con artist. Go fuck yourself as I laugh at your fast talk and bizarre drawn in eyebrows. I am not easily had. That was on a Monday.

The next day I have all my housewife duties. I clean, I go get waxed and I have my annual OB/GYN appointment. I keep all health appointment. I don’t want any trouble. My vagina and I have had a very sorted past. We have not always made good choices. The fun we have had together 98% of the time was not worth the scandal that followed. Trust me; it has been one scandal after another. Ask anyone that is currently not speaking to me.

I get there, get weighed(humiliating), blood pressure taken, 100/65, give my extensive lists of meds and endure a lecture about how if I lose 30lbs I would go from obese to just overweight. I firmly point out to skinny nurse that my weight is far from my heart, my boyfriend is a chubby chaser, and that she should go fuck herself. She replies that it won’t be easy to lose weight considering that I am in peri-menapause. Another big fuck you. Listen, not for nothing, the women in my family are mostly nurses. I am a big supporter of the medical community and will defend nurses to the bitter end. I just wasn’t in the mood. I will take obese over being skinny with no bloody manners because lack of carbs, anyday. So I get on the table and assume the position. I had an IUD put in twenty seconds after I had my child. I wanted this one out. I am done with hormones and done with strange foreign things living in and off of me. They can’t find it. In the 10 years the PA has been dealing with them, this is the first time she can’t remove it. I make an appointment for the following week to see the doctor and have her try. Did I mention this hurts? Lots. I see the doctor. She can feel it, but it is somehow imbedded. Really?! Fucking fantastic. That means EVERY CELL IN MY BODY IS AN OVEREATER. Every hole in my body is a conduit for consuming and making my ass fatter. My body thinks the IUD is a delicious treat and won’t give it up. Did I mention this hurts? LOTS!

So, I will be probed under conscious sedation. Now, not to panic anyone with an IUD, because Capri (God Bless her) went on line and informed me that this happens to only 5% of women. Then she tells me she is really worried for her own safety but doesn’t want details.

For those of you ladies I have wronged, laugh it up. God knows my ex did when he found out. Am I getting what I deserve? Probably. I will forgive my vagina for all the trouble. She has had a time of it and I am not one to hold a grudge. Here’s to you my vagine, partner in crime, seductress, and friend to the friendless. Get well soon.

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