Housewife Tuesday – My Stories


Capri’s mother (Capri senior) had one of the best quotes I have ever heard, “TV, what else is there?”  I have to agree.  I’m no intellectual.  The days of thinking I’m somehow high art are long since past.  Truth be told, as a fat child, TV was good to me.  It didn’t mock me.  It kept me company.

One of my first memories of TV involves Nana Panza.  She was a good soul that had a really hard life.  She would babysit me when my mother was working.  To say that I drove her fucknuts crazy is an understatement.  I talked.  I talked lots.  When 11:30am rolled around (I think it was 11:30) we would play hide and seek.  Nana would tell me to hide under the dining room table and she would look for me.  Again, I’m no intellectual.  I would hide quietly for anywhere from 15 minutes to a half an hour while she was glued to the Edge of Night.  When it was over, sometimes she would look for me, sometimes not.  She was no fool.

I grew up watching soap operas, sitcoms, the news, night time dramas, and everything in between.  I watched TV the way smart kids would devour books.  I am dyslexic so books, to this day, are a chore for me.  TV was easy.  I began my relationship with The Young and the Restless through a drummer.  I could not call him between 12:30pm-2pm.  He had a very rigorous schedule of getting up around noon, eating a bowl of cereal, and watching Y&R and then cartoons.  He was a jackass but, in my defense, a very good looking jackass and very good in bed.  One day, I was invited over to watch Y&R with him.  It was the dumbest fucking thing I had ever seen.  About two years, and therapy later, I dumped the drummer and kept my love affair with Y&R going. It was one of the healthiest things I have ever done.

Part of my love of TV involves Capri.  Since we were about 14 we would call each other and discuss, dissect and deconstruct our shows.  I can remember us being on the phone at 10pm on a school night talking about TV shows.  We were obviously not taking AP classes and did not really have much ambition.  As adults, we have our tradition of Monday mornings.  Around 7:30am each Monday we call to run down what we watched the night before.  For years it was the Soprano’s.  We would discuss each character like they were related to us.  Actually, anyone from our neighborhood would find those characters relatable.  Some Mondays it would be Sex and the City.  Mainly, with those hags, we would get all Italian Mom on them and say shit like, “Who goes out like that?”  “Bitch should wear a bra.  Her tits are going to sag low.”  “God those women are annoying.”  “Who lives like that?”  And my all time favorite quote, spoken by me, “Sure they are thin.  If I had money and Chris Noth I would starve myself too.”  Fuck them.  They don’t know how to keep a man because they don’t clean their own houses or do their own cooking.  You see that little rant.  Capri and I go for freaking hours talking like that and they are characters on TV.  We take that shit very personally.  3b told me he had an ex girlfriend tell him he should watch that show so he can, “learn something about women”.  Ladies, some advice, keep your TV to yourselves.  Men don’t need to share everything.  As a matter of fact, less is more.  Another word of advice, Spike TV is awesome.  Bar Rescue and World’s Worst Tennant’s are great fucking shows.  We spent an entire Saturday watching every episode of Ultimate Warrior and I loved it!  As for my shows, I look forward to them without judgment.  I judge and so do you.  Nobody needs it.

These days, Capri and I love to discuss Mad Men and either The Real Housewives of New Jersey or Mob Wives (The Staten Island MW.  Capri couldn’t stand the accents of Mob Wives of Chicago.  I stuck with it.  Regrettably, I will not get that time back.)  It is more than a tradition.  It is an essential part of our relationship.  If there were not TV, we would have to face ourselves.  And not for nothing, who the hell needs that shit.

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